Chronic, or long term, low libido can sneak up on you. Initially, you feel like it's just another dip in your sexual interest, and manage it the way you have in the past – explain it away as a normal response to the stresses of life. But if you have been doing this for a long time, you should consider examining your real reason for not wanting to have sex. Be honest with yourself. Is it really about short term or recent events, or is it beginning to look like a way of life?

For couples, differences in sexual desire can create bigger problems. A pattern of avoidance and resentment can build up, especially when sex is initiated by one partner and refused by the other over and over again. The partner with the low libido may feel bothered by sexual overtures, and the partner with the high libido may feel frustrated, rejected and unloved. These difficult feelings, if not talked through, can impact badly on the relationship. Some couples stop being affectionate and loving with each other, and negative feelings become more and more overwhelming.

Solving the problem of desire difference in a relationship isn't easy. There is no magic wand (or pill) that will create sexual desire, so it's not about aiming to have sex whenever your partner wants. But it is quite common (especially for women) to lose spontaneous sexual desire with age, or as relationships increase over time.

Managing libido can create problems for many couples – some do it well, most probably do it badly at times, with the sort of fallout described above. If you want to have a go at doing it better, read on!

A note about relationships

The exercises here assume that you have the building blocks of a workable relationship, and that you and your partner have the potential to work together on this issue. This article generally refers to heterosexual couples but the information may also be relevant to lesbian couples.

There are many things that may turn you off sex that are too complicated to address with an exercise like this. If there is conflict or abuse in your relationship, it may not be reasonable to expect to solve a sexual problem. Good sex can give a well-grounded relationship a really positive boost, but it won't solve serious relationship problems. Marriage counselling might be an important first step in building trust and communication before working on a sexual problem.

More complicated personal reasons can also underlie low libido, so seek counselling if you think this is the case.

What's good about sex?

Make a list of all the things that are enjoyable, positive or beneficial about sex. For example, "I enjoy sexual arousal, I like the touching, I sleep well afterwards, my partner and I feel closer, he'll cook dinner the next day" etc. Anything at all that's good about it needs to go on the list. Don't worry about any bad things that counter the positives at this point. They will go into their own list and be dealt with separately.

This list of good things about sex is going to form your motivation for having sex. If you have good reasons for having sex, you can use these reasons to examine and influence sexual desire.

A note on stress

Stress is part of life for most people. It may be related to day to day "busyness" – too much on your plate and never enough time – or to a more serious and recent event such as job loss, illness or death of a loved one. It is not always reasonable for some people to feel like having sex around the time of serious stress. But if normal day to day stress is getting on top of you, it's probably worth considering some strategies that might help you get on top of it.

Think about the sort of things that make you feel tense or stressed, and not very sexy. Are they things that are going to go away, are they serious crises, or are they part of your life that you can't, or don't want to, change? Can you make a decision to give yourself some time each day where you will make the effort to relax and not focus on the stressful things? Letting go of stress may or may not be easy for you if decide to try, but if you can, it may give you the energy and focus that you need to enjoy life, and maybe sex as well!

What exactly is it that reduces your interest in sex?

Now think about all your reasons for not wanting to have sex and write them down. You don't need to show anyone your list so be as free as you can. Being too tired and, as mentioned above, too stressed, is common. You may experience pain during sex, low arousal, lack of pleasure or orgasm. Try to be explicit about what it is that's putting you off, so that you have something to work with. If your reasons don't seem very concrete, think about the feelings you have during sex or when your partner approaches you sexually. Do you feel pressured, guilty or manipulated? You may feel grief or shame about your loss of sex drive. Feelings like this will be off-putting, and recognizing and understanding them is a first step towards getting them out of the bedroom.

Pain during sex

Pain is a good reason not to want to have sex! If you anticipate pain during sex, you will be anxious, your potential to be become aroused will be reduced, you will have less lubrication, and this in turn can make sex even more painful! You should not experience pain during sex so don't ignore it if you do.

If you have any kind of pain during sex, it is advisable to see your doctor about it. There is no need to feel embarrassed, and ignoring the problem won't make it go away. There may be a simple reason for it, and it may be something you can treat.

A common cause of sexual pain or discomfort in menopausal women is due to the fragility of the genital tissues. This can be greatly improved with vaginal oestrogen and there are various products available which are very safe for most women. Ask you doctor about this if you think it might be the problem.

Dryness in the vagina can also cause pain, resulting in reduced sexual arousal after menopause. Use of water-based lubricants may be enough for some women and these are available from supermarkets and chemists. Lubricants can be used on the genitals during foreplay as well as for intercourse.

Enhancing arousal is also an important part of reducing discomfort and making sex more enjoyable. Remember to switch off the worry, and really tune into your body. Focus on positive sensations during foreplay, and if you become aware that your mind has wandered, bring your attention back to the present. Try using sexy fantasies to help you become aroused – your imagination can't harm you, so don't feel guilty. You might like to read some erotic fiction to give you some ideas and to stimulate your sexual appetite.

Be aware that you may need to do things a little differently as you age. You may need more time or different techniques to become aroused or reach orgasm, so you will need to engage your partner in the process.

Get your partner on your side

Frightening as it might seem, consider having an open discussion with your partner about how you feel. If you've been avoiding sex, this can be especially difficult. But if you do it well, it will build intimacy and help you to manage your sexual relationship more honestly.

Be prepared. This is a sensitive issue to discuss for both of you. Avoid saying anything hurtful or making accusations. Do try to take responsibility for your part, and remain focused on solutions.

Choose your time. Bring it up when you have privacy and the time and energy to deal with it, and when you are feeling positive about making changes. Be sensitive. Your partner may not have thought about this the way you have and may be surprised or react defensively if, for example, you tell him for the first time that you've been finding intercourse painful for the last six months.

Listen. Find out what it's like for him when you refuse sex. How can you do it better, without it feeling like a rejection?

Ask him to listen. If he understands what's going on for you he may be able to change his behaviour in a helpful way. Do you need help de-stressing? Would a gentle neck massage be a good way to find out if stress is the real obstacle?

Be positive and stay focused on solutions. If tiredness is overwhelming, schedule a time for sex. It may not seem romantic, but not being tired or pressed for time is far sexier than spontaneity. If sex is painful, talk with your doctor about possible reasons. Would you benefit from oestrogen replacement? Are you aroused enough? Could you agree to spend more time on foreplay, try some new strategies, explore other sexual activities besides intercourse, use a vibrator together, try a lubricant. If you need more time to get aroused, your partner needs to know this, but let him know in a way which doesn't involve accusing him of being in a hurry. Take responsibility for initiating changes.

Be conscious of both your limitations – don't expect miracles. The discussion may not go exactly how you hope. If your partner isn't a big talker, you may need to use actions to get things to change. Challenge your own shyness if it's holding you back. Feeling uncomfortable initiating new sexual practices is to be expected but will be worth it in the long run.

The aim of this exercise is not to have you swinging from the chandelier every night of the week. It's to enhance honesty and intimacy in your relationship, and hopefully help you to manage differences in sexual desire, instead of using excuses to avoid the issue. It's also not to encourage you to have sex when you don't want to. Use it as a pathway to understanding each other and finding a middle ground that is more satisfying to you both. Know that it may take ongoing commitment and revisiting the discussion to keep it working in the long term. Embrace this as an enriching part of life and one of the challenges of living well in a long term relationship.

Further resources

Related articles

• Libido
• Painful sex – When love hurts
• Relationships
• Stress

Books

Good Loving. Great Sex
by Rosie King

Where did my libido go?
by Rosie King

The Sex Starved Marriage
by Michelle Weiner

Fact sheets

 Libido 117.38 Kb

Content updated March 15, 2011